TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, town Traditionally known for historical society, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Incredible!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed within the Placing inexperienced inside of Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A few of the most effective. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely out of place. Developed by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten years for potable drinking water. But Sure, certain, let's have An additional place the place American Guys can put on robes and contact it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though former negotiations failed below the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: supply All people a collection within the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on files published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often tender electricity," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a agreement and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Just about every unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity famous, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in the war zone. It's that he ought to quit making use of it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the project, replied, "You already know, man, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent people. Good tan. In any case, do I however have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the hotel's landscaping types an enormous Trump head seen from space, a element being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents along with the chin is… effectively, categorised.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits just after discovering the setting up's gold plating mirrored a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It is really not only ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Puzzling Features


Probably the strangest component in the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium wherever guests may contemplate vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, full with weather Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Neighborhood Syrians are Uncertain what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-year-old Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Strategy: "In case you Bomb It, They Will Occur"


The advert marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is For good."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% explained "wherever's the nearest elevator for the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is previously attracting notice from international buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll obtain a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report Trump Tower Damascus from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree will even consist of:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home According to the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not hold out to check out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort exactly where my PTSD might have convert-down services."


An additional submit from @KuwaitiKardashian basically questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Experiences counsel:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to create a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Last Ideas from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It wanted gold. It essential a waterslide shaped similar to the Constitution. I gave everything three. You might be welcome."

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